Masks & Horn 

One of the most difficult situations I have discovered in many couples who end up in counselling with me, is what I am going to refer to as the Masks & Horns Behaviour – (The Deceptive Saint & the Real Devil)  It is not something that has happened as a single incident like having an affair, or finding out that your partner is indulging in pornography or even that they are in some kind of addiction – and even though all of those scenarios can be devastating, masks and horns comes as a gradual realization that the person you thought you knew, the person that you fell in love with and committed to spend your life is, is turning out to be someone that you don’t know at all. This is not just a twist of fate, or the result of a brain injury, this is something that has been there all along and you just never knew about it – when realization comes it hits hard.

Over time their behaviour becomes firstly confusing, then annoying, then downright unbearable. You don’t know what to make of it and begin to doubt your own rationalization of what is going on. You confront, you complain, you question, you can even give ultimations, but nothing changes. The most annoying and undermining thing is that no one else ever knows or notices that anything is wrong, or that anything is awry in the relationship – and even if you do share your concerns and observations, they don’t believe you. ‘Surely this can’t be true – we don’t see it the way you do – are you sure you are not exaggerating or making this up’. Surely, it’s your imagination – they are such an amazing person!!!!! You need to try harder, stop complaining, it’s a figment of your imagination!

How does Mask behaviour first show up in a relationship

This is the person who when you first met had all the characteristics that you were looking for in a partner, they ticked all the boxes. They showed intense affection and attention to you, were charming and charismatic, put you on a pedestal, treated you as thought you were special and different from anyone else, talked about themselves as uniquely talented or superior, shared stories where they were misunderstood or wronged, created a deep sense of connection, adopted your interests and values, and the list can go on… the perfect partner – you are hooked – line and sinker.

All of these behavioural tactics are effective because the exploit normal human psychology, attachment needs and social conditioning – not because the target is naïve or weak. The seduction works by accelerating trust, bonding and emotional dependence before critical evaluation can occur. These behaviours work due to the release of dopamine and oxytocin – the love hormones. The brain registers deep compatibility as the connection is constructed, not discovered. The speed of the connection bypasses your natural ability to assess, use discernment and critical thinking lags behind. The newfound connection has the ability to exploit your empathy and compassion, and this can be leveraged. Idealization and being placed on a pedestal can feel intoxicating and can create a psychological hook that you don’t want to lose but live up to. Once you are invested in maintaining that ideal, you are more likely to tolerate later mistreatment to get it back.

The tactics of Mask behaviour are effective because they create emotional bonds before trust is earned, they use intensity to override discernment, turn connection into dependency and replaces reality with emotional chemistry – deeply effective and devastatingly damaging to the unsuspecting target.

How does Horns behaviour show up in a relationship?

It starts with small distortions through gaslighting and trains you to question your perceptions over time. You begin to rely more on their versions of reality and begin to dismiss your own intuition. You have become easier to influence and lose trust in yourself and increase dependence on your partners version of reality.

You are encouraged to prioritize them exclusively – less input and perspective from friends and family which creates less contradiction to their narrative. Without mirrors to external reality their influence grows over you. Society romanticizes intensity as passion, jealousy as love and persistence as devotion which confuses and distorts the truth of the relationship. You feel fortunate to have this kind of attention solely focussed on you.

 Further traits begin to emerge which are confounding and out of character from the person you thought you knew – a constant need and demand for admiration, entitlement, chronic defensiveness, and inability to apologise sincerely, dismissiveness of other’s feelings, blaming others for mistakes, controlling behaviour and boundary violations and the list goes on…..

Your strengths like being empathic, loyalty, reflective, emotionally open and capable of deep connection are used against you – your capacity for depth is exploited. The cycle creates a cognitive dissonance in you – when their behaviour shifts your mind struggles to reconcile with it – it feels so wrong compared to how it was before. To reduce the discomfort, you unconsciously rewrite reality often by blaming yourself instead of the recognising the pattern evolving.

How the Mask behaviour shows up in public

Mask behaviour is more likely to make its appearance in public – horns are very rarely visible in public, and this is the reason that it is almost impossible to believe when you disclose ‘horns’ behaviour to someone who only knows the mask outside of an intimate relationship.

In public mask behaviour will exaggerate achievements, display charm and charisma, have a constant need for admiration, will be obsessed with their public image, have selective generosity to gain admiration and score points, discuss grandiose future plans and display over confidence in themselves. They will also have a need to win arguments and be conveniently disinterested in a conversation that does not focus on them. The have image-based morality – looking good matters most, they practice selective listening, are inconsistent with empathy unless it suits the image they approve of morally. They will often come across as an interesting and exciting character to gain admiration and praise. They enjoy being the centre of attention and conversation but will deny it.

How Horns show up behind closed doors.

Once they are feeling secure in a relationship horns behaviour will show up in the form of control and regulation of their environment. This happens in the form of gaslighting – distorting reality to avoid blame. They will use silent treatment to punish and assert their power, chronic defensiveness to avoid criticism or feedback. They display an ability to apologise sincerely to avoid humiliation or a lack of power. They display a necessity to always be right and need to win arguments. They will play the victim to gain sympathy without accountability. They refuse to compromise and find it difficult to respect the autonomy of other’s boundaries. They will use guilt to manipulate and will only absorb information that reinforces their own ego. They fear aging or loss of status as their identity is tied to admiration and relevance.

Ok so by now you know that I am talking about Narcissistic behaviour. When this shows up in a marriage or relationship it can be devastating or the end of the relationship as the person on the receiving end of ‘horns’ behaviour. Confrontation backfires spectacularly and imagining living one more day with this confusion is hell in itself. Confrontation in itself is not wrong or unreasonable, but it massively collides with how the narcissistic psyche has developed and is organised.

What feels like a normal attempt at resolution to you is experienced by them as a threat to psychological survival for these very reasons:

·      Confrontation triggers shame not reflection – they defend against shame not the issue

·      Accountability feels like Ego Annihilation – they attack to survive emotionally

·      Confrontation is experienced as a Power Struggle – they cannot tolerate loss of power

·      Confrontation threatens their Narrative Control – They have to maintain character stability

·      Emotional Empathy Shuts down under Threat – They go into emotional survival mode

·      Confrontation activates Abandonment Fear – Will use a Pre-emptive Action – Do it first

·      Confrontation undermines their Defence System – They push back harder.

·      Winning matters more that Resolution – Winning restores superiority over vulnerability

CONFRONTATION FAILS NOT DUE TO POOR COMMUNICATION, BUT DUE TO INCOMPATIBLE EMOTIONAL CAPACITIES

Your operating system is: Mutuality – Accountability – Repair

Their operating system is: Defence – Shame Avoidance – Control.

What does work better in dealing with a narcissistic person is harm reduction for yourself by:

·      Clear boundaries without emotional debate

·      Limiting explanations

·      Observing behaviour, not promises

·      Detaching outcomes from their approval

·      Planning safety – both emotional and practical.

Change for a narcissist requires their insight and sustained therapy – not better communication with them.